Positive? negative? supportive? combative? collaborative? harmonious? turbulent? Which word would you use to describe the relationship you have with your child's school? Would that word vary from day to day? How would your school staff describe you or your relationship? The parent and school relationship, like any relationship, takes hard work, and commitment. The best advice I would give to parents working with a school is to come with a positive attitude, with the mindset that you are partners with the school working together for the well being of your child.
The parents who are friendly, easy to get along with, knowledgeable, and flexible get the most from the school staff. These parents recognize that the school may not be able to do everything their way. These parents are not demanding about the particulars of how their child will learn, yet they have suggestions and work as partners with the school. They listen to the teachers suggestions and respect the teachers and the limitations they have. When a situation arises that a parent feels strongly about, they are able to articulate their passionate feelings in a constructive manner. In the end, they will be more respected and their opinions will be more valued.
All that being said, parent and school relationships, like any relationship can be very difficult. It's hard. After all, this is your precious child they are talking about. Parents want the best for their children, and when they don't feel that the school is giving their child the best, it can turn into a very difficult situation. Most parents feel they will do whatever it takes to fight for their child. I know I do. However, usually 'the fight' is not the way to go. 'The fight' creates tension between the school, the parents, and unfortunately the child. In the end, it's the child that suffers.
Once the relationship becomes negative, it's hard to break that cycle. Since the relationships involve humans, there are hurt feelings to mend, there can be pride issues that get in the way, insecurities to overcome, etc. In addition, it is challenging to change opinions. This is not to say that opinions can't be changed and a negative experience can't turn into something great, or that a positive experience can't turn sour. Starting out on the right foot with the school is so incredibly important. This is a relationship that can last 13 or more years, depending on if you stay in the same place and how many kids you have. Your reputation will follow you- teachers talk!
If you are a parent who is in a combative or negative relationship with the school, it will take a lot of effort to turn things around. Fair or unfair, you may have to make the initial steps in fixing the relationship. Start by recognizing there are two sides to the issue. First and foremost, look at ways you can improve. Take into consideration how you are coming across to others. Are you coming to meetings with a threatening demeanor, are you acting timid, are you looking down on the school staff or acting "snotty?" None of these attitudes will get you anywhere with the school. It seems like when parents come in making threats or acting tough, schools will do the minimal amount they can get by with for the child. If you act timid or as if you don't care, you leave all plans to the school, also not recommended. However, if you come in ready to work as a partner, schools respond well. It's all in how you say things.
I'm not here to take sides. I've seen instances where I have felt that parents are being unreasonable and I've heard of instances where the schools are acting very poorly or are out of compliance. There are extreme circumstances that parents should never tolerate. However, in the majority of instances, it seems like a misunderstanding that could have been avoided with basic relationship training on one or both sides. Even if the problems are not completely solved, a collaborative relationship will be less stressful for you and the school staff, and your child. It will also model positive relationship building lessons for your child. Remember, it's all in how you say things...
My Web Pages
FREE MONTHLY NEWSLETTER
Labels
About the Author
- Erin N. King
- I am a School Psychologist and mother who has been inspired to save. My family will soon be building a home and can afford a bigger mortgage because we have learned to save hundreds a month on the necessities.
Blog Archive
My Blog List
6 comments:
I appreciate this blog and what you are trying to do. It's wonderful.
I am a parent of a special needs child. I have a bachelor's in political science and trained in alternative dispute resolution. Inspite of my training, I still find it very difficult to keep a positive working relationship with my son's school because the fail to adhere to IDEA '97 guidelines. For example, he was denined assistance in band class...as a result, he was placed in permanent isolated seating and often closed in a side room for minor infractions such as laughing. I am not saying that my child was not disruptive, but I believe that the methods used were inappropriate...almost abusive because of the public humilation my child experienced. The teacher failed to follow my son's BIP. Furthermore, they denied access to my son's behavior records. After 4 or 5 months of trying to get those records, they tried to dismiss the refusal of records as a "miscommuniation".
Should we be positive? Absolutely! But after a year of questionable discipline methods, obvious non-compliance with the law, and various other shortcomings...It is difficult to be positive.
I do believe that the time does come in certain circumstances when parents can not "play nice." It's unfortunate, but there are instances when the school does not follow guidelines. I certainly don't expect parents to not stand up for their child when appropriate. Sorry that you and your child have had such a negative experience. Good luck with a new school year.
By the way, I would like to add that if it hadn't been for a wonderful lead special ed teacher, the situation could have been much worse. This woman treats my son as if he was her own, and I truly am greatful to have that kind of support at the school. In spite of the difficulties, I am confident that my child has someone genuine to turn to when I can not be there for him.
So thanks to the many individuals in public schools who do help ease the challenges parents and special needs students face.
I appreciate that you are trying to improve relations between parents that schools.
I am also the parent of two special needs kids (actually three, but I have no protections for the oldest). My youngest child needs speech therapy, has an IEP that calls for speech therapy. The school decided not to provide speech therapy for all the children in his elementary school because it was too expensive.
My husband and I tried work with the school. We were told to pound sand. We contacted the state and started the process to file a complaint. Somehow the money was found to hire a therapist. Now 34 kids are getting speech therapy because my husband and I did not play nice.
Should we be positive? We would love to be. But we aren't going to buy friends at the expense of our children.
I too appreciate your efforts and I wish nothing more than to have a good relationship with the school. I have a BScN, MA-Psych, and am working on a PT graduate degree focusing on children and neurology, I was a charge nurse in Child Psych. I tried to get help forh my son by being nice for 3 months, the school kept telling us he had no issues, I had him seen by a Psychiatrist for suicidal thoughts exacerbated by his school experience, our son was trying to tell them he couldn't see and was trying his best, but the teacher kept taking away his recess, even the school psychologist didn't respond to my written and in person plees, Ii provided them with all of his reports and held nothing back, it took time to get other professional assessments in place and reports done, after his serious suicide attempt at age 7, 5 top specialists have now diagnosed him with bipolar, ADHD, neurological lag-visual and sensory motor deficits, he needed glasses, they tell me that he was feeling very unsafe at school and his self esteem deteriorated the more he was ignored and pushed, punished...its hard to stay nice, when the school says they do not think he has sensory motor issues, these were evaluated by more than one renowned individual and his neuropsychologist, eye doctor, neurologist etc. Its hard to stay nice, all we are seeking is accomodations and OT...hard to believe really...our lawyer assures us he will get everything, however, are we losing kids? yes, suicide rates are increasing in this age group, prevention funds are low, sad really
I truly am sorry to hear about the negative experiences many people have with the school systems. It is a very sad thing when schools do not do their part.
Post a Comment